A Dog’s Life Isn’t Fair

Small dog with a white plastic cone around her head and neck.
Really, Mom! Author photo © 2022 Marty Schafer

Humans Think We Have It Good But I’m Telling You It Ain’t True!

A few weekends ago, a bump grew on my right-back paw. It bugged me, so I was licking it a lot. Mom caught me doing that, and off we went to the vet. Like most dogs, I hate going to the vet. The first trip wasn’t too bad. He didn’t even stick me with the sharp things.

But the second trip was a doozy! Not only did I get that sharp thing, but when I woke up, the bump was gone, along with a lot of fur on that foot and on my front left leg—which hadn’t even been hurting! I was just getting my bearings when Mom and Dad both came to get me. I was so glad to get home and pee in my own yard.

Then came the Cone of Shame.

Do you know why they call it that? I didn’t, but I do now. And it’s not what you think. It isn’t because it makes it hard to walk and get up stairs. It isn’t because it looks so undignified (although that’s probably some of it). No, the real reason it’s called the Cone of Shame is because a proper gal like me can’t clean herself thoroughly.

Whenever I come in from outside—or eat, for that matter—I give myself a bath. Face and front paws, then hind paws, and finally, my butt. Mom calls me a cat in a dog’s body. (And she thinks that insult is funny!)

Anyway, she said I had to wear it so I wouldn’t lick at the weird things she called stitches. But I fooled them. My paw itched so bad, I figured out how to reach it anyway and got one of them out before she took me back to get them all out. But I still couldn’t clean myself properly with that cone.

The Cone of Shame was definitely shameful. But that wasn’t the worst of it. No siree! You see, Dad had a lump on his paw, too. But when he came back from the human vet, he just had a bandage wrapped around it, even though he had a bunch more of those stitches things. No Cone of Shame. How unfair is that?

I tell you, a dog’s life isn’t fair. I don’t know why humans say they envy us.

I’d better go before Mom catches me on her tablet. It’s nap time, anyway.

Cartoon of person walking a dog on leash with both wearing a cone around their heads with caption, "If Life Were Fair."
Missy’s viewpoint. © 2022 Marty Schafer

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